Jason XI How Herc Sent Jason to Tartarus
by Smenzer
Summary: Crossover fic. Jason Voorhees terrorizes Mount Olympus. NOT bloody! This is a COMEDY!


Title: Jason XI (Or How Hercules Sent Jason Packing to Where Murderous Spooks Hiding Behind Masks Belong) Author: Smenzer Rating: PG Pairing: none Archive: Yes, please. Let me know if you take it, OK? Teaser: Jason Voorhees terrorizes Mount Olympus! Disclaimer: The characters are not mine. They belong to Studios USA or Whoever owns the Rights to Xena: Warrior Princess. Jason belongs to either Paramount Pictures or New Line Cinema... not sure which one.  
  
Author's Note: This story picks up where Jason X ended. If you're looking for blood and gore, look elsewhere. This is Rated PG!  
  
Joxer the Mighty leaned forward and kissed Larissa the Amazon. She had the most amazing green eyes he had ever seen. And her hair! He lifted a hand and gently stroked the soft copper curls, a contented sigh escaping his throat. He wasn't sure how he managed to get Larissa to kiss him, but he wasn't about to goof it up now. She was without doubt the most beautiful Amazon he had ever seen. Well, second to Gabrielle, he quickly amended. Just a few minutes ago she had snuck away from her all women tribe and had met him here by the lake. Brilliant stars glowed in the night sky above, their reflections dazzling in the crystal clear water.  
  
"Oh, Joxer!" Larissa sighed. She gazed into his brown eyes, her green ones full of love. Then her eyes widened and she pushed on his chest, shoving him away.  
  
"What?" Joxer stumbled backward two steps before he caught his balance.  
  
"Look! A shooting star!" Larissa pointed up at the night sky. Far above a fiery trail sped across the night sky. "Quick, make a wish on it!"  
  
Joxer craned his neck as he watched the shooting star grow brighter and brighter, bigger and bigger. He never knew one could wish on a shooting star, but then Larissa was so much smarter than he was. "I wish to be a great warrior!"  
  
The star grew bigger and bigger, until it seemed to be just above the lake.  
  
"Watch out!" Joxer cried as he realized it was heading right for them. He threw himself on top of Larissa, knocking her to the cold ground. His metal helm tumbled off and rolled under some dense shrubbery. Then there was a loud splash, followed by the sizzling sound of boiling water. Joxer eased himself of Larissa and helped her up. He dusted off his clothes and turned to look at the lake. A column of steam rose from the lake's center up into the night sky. "Boy, when those stars fall, they really come down! I wonder what they're made of?"  
  
Larissa shrugged. "Light?"  
  
"Hmmm.... I better go see. What if it's something dangerous?" Joxer waded into the cool water, gentle ripples surging around his boots. "I wouldn't want any of you Amazons to get hurt by that heavy star."  
  
"Oh, Joxer, you're so brave!" Larissa said as she watched him take a deep breath and dive into the lake.  
  
Luckily, the lake was shallow. Joxer grinned to himself as he dreamed of owning a star from the night sky. Why, he would be wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, even beyond Autolycus's dreams! Then he would have enough money to properly take care of a wife, whether it was Larissa or Gabrielle or some other lucky lady. Bubbles trailing from his mouth, he swam deeper until he saw a faint orange glow. Even as he watched, the glow grew weaker and weaker as the icy water drained the heat from the fallen star. With a last desperate flutter kick, he gripped the star in both hands. It was slightly warm to the touch and about the size of a human head. Gripping it tightly, Joxer swap up to the surface. His head broke broke the surface and he waved an arm at Larissa. "I got it!"  
  
"Great! I'll start a campfire so you can dry off." Larissa called to him as he swam for shore. Soon she had a cheery campfire burning and Joxer joined her. Water dripped off his wet brown hair as he held the remains of the shooting star by the campfire. They both leaned closer to see what it looked like.  
  
"Uggh!" Larissa shrieked as she leaped backward, disgust clear on her pretty face. "That's not a star! It's some warlord's head!"  
  
Joxer turned it around, for the back of the head had been facing him. He saw the metal mask staring at him, the eyes closed.  
  
"Eeeiiihhhhh!" Joxer dropped the head and it rolled several feet away. When it came to a stop, the dark eye holes of the mask stared at him. Joxer wiped his hands on his wet pants as his dreams of wealth faded. Now Larissa would never marry him! Nor Gabrielle. For how could he ever support a wife without dinars? His hope faded. "I can't do anything right!"  
  
*****  
  
Hercules sat by the campfire, his tired haunches resting on a convenient log. He licked the last drops of roasted rabbit juice off his fingers. "Iolaus, that was delicious. Almost as good as my mother's. You're definitely improving."  
  
"Hmmmmmm." Iolaus agreed as he reached for another piece of cooked rabbit. "These are the days, Herc. No Hera, no Ares, no bandits to stop or crazy warlords. Or eight headed hydras or satyrs robbing people. Just peaceful woods and a great meal!"  
  
"Yeah, but you know what happens when you say that." Hercules glanced around nervously.  
  
"What?" Iolaus asked, his mouth full of rabbit.  
  
"Some problem will pop up!" Hercules told him. "You're jinxing us!"  
  
Iolaus laughed and waved an arm at the big demigod. "Don't be ridiculous, Herc! Nothing's going to happen just because I said it was peaceful!"  
  
Hades popped in with a flash of green light. The serious and dour God of the Underworld looked out of place by the campfire. He wore his long brown robes of office and a golden crown rested on his brown hair. A scroll was tucked in his hands.  
  
"See?" Hercules pointed at Hades with his thumb. "Told you."  
  
"Hhhhh." Iolaus nodded his head, a frown now pasted to his face. He glanced up at Hades. "So, what do you want from us?"  
  
Hades unrolled the scroll and held it out to Hercules. "I was doing my inventory and noticed a discrepancy. One soul is missing from Tartarus. In fact, it never arrived when it should have years ago. You will find this missing soul, Hercules."  
  
"Hades, it's not my job!" Hercules told his Godly uncle as he continued to rest on the log. He made no motions to grab the scroll. "Zeus put you in charge of souls, not me. I'm only concerned with the living, people that need my help."  
  
"Oh, but it IS in your interest to find this soul, Hercules." Hades continued. He waved his hand and images formed in the air. Hercules watched, his face growing paler and paler. He had seen war before, but this...! After a few moments, Iolaus hurried off into the bushes, where he quickly threw up the rabbit he had just eaten. Hercules took on a green tint and he clutched his throat with one hand. "Enough! You proved your point. This soul needs to be in Tartarus, locked in chains forged by Hepheastus. Where is he?"  
  
"I don't know." Hades admitted as he handed the scroll to Hercules. "But you must remember that while he walks, he can kill the living. He is undead, nephew. Even I am uncertain as to how he got this way."  
  
"Thanks for the warning." Hercules watched Hades pop out. Peering at the scroll, Hercules saw a name scrawled on it.  
  
Jason Voorhees.  
  
*****  
  
"You should bury it." Larissa told Joxer as she wrapped her bare arms tightly around her body. As an Amazon, she had seen dead bodies before and even decapitated heads, but this one gave her the creeps. Maybe it was that odd mask the dead Warlord was wearing. And she had never seen such a mask before, either. It was formed of gray metal and had smooth curves on it. Strange. Nor had she heard of such a Warlord. But it must be a Warlord, for who else could it be?  
  
"I got to figure this out." Joxer stood stiffly, one hand by his chin. "I don't get how that head got to be a shooting star. It makes no sense!"  
  
"Just get rid of it, Joxer!" Larissa cried as she nervously glanced around. A wind had picked up and clouds had covered the stars. Already waves began to toss the dark lake waters. "But take it off Amazon lands. That thing is bad luck. I can feel it in my bones!"  
  
Joxer smiled at Larissa. He picked a sack off the ground and closed it around the disgusting head. "Anything for you, sweetie! I'll just take it for a stroll and throw it in that big ravine."  
  
Larissa threw her arms around Joxer's neck, pressing her body against his. "Me and my Sisters will never forget this! I'm sure you are saving the Tribe by doing this!"  
  
"Awww, it's nothing." Joxer grinned, the heavy sack in one hand. He bravely put a hand on her bare lower back. Hugging her for a moment, Joxer let her go. Then he started down the trail, a bright whistle tune on his lips. Maybe his wish was coming true after all. Larissa taught he was a hero and all he was doing was getting rid of a disgusting head! Even he could do that.  
  
"Joxer, wait!" Larissa called as she hurried to catch up to him. "You forgot your helm and sword!"  
  
"Thanks." Joxer leaned forward and kissed her again. Then with his helm on his head and the sword secured around his waist (thanks to the scabbard and separate sword belt) he headed down the dark forest trail. He turned and waved to Larissa. "I'll see you in a week!"  
  
The first rain drops pinged off Joxer's metal helmet. A few minutes later, he was soaked to the bone and trudging threw mud. Finally he reached the end of Amazon Lands with the ravine still three days away. Joxer continued on through the rain and a day later he saw a building appear. At first it was just a dark gray blur against a gray drizzle, but it slowly took shape. Wide steps, thick stone doors, Greek columns supporting a porch roof. Joxer grinned brighter when he realized it was one of Ares' temples. A determined look on his face, Joxer stomped up the granite steps and pushed open the heavy doors. He approached the donation table.  
  
"Great Ares, I your humble servant bring you this gift." Joxer upended the wet sack and the head rolled onto the black basalt table. It wasn't a bloody sword, but it was the best thing he had to offer in like forever. In fact, he never really had anything worth offering Ares. Then he knelt before the altar, down on one knee. "I know it isn't much and I didn't even kill this guy, whoever he is, but it's the best thing I have to give you. Maybe if you have a few spare moments in your busy day, you could make me a better warrior. I always seem to be tripping over things and I never know what to say. Oh, this head was once a shooting star that came from the night sky. I leave it now in your divine care."  
  
Standing, Joxer left the temple. There was no need to toss the head in the ravine. It was already off of Amazon lands. Thinking of Larissa and her kisses, Joxer headed back the way he came. The sky started to clear as the sun poked itself out from behind a cloud.  
  
****  
  
Discord appeared in Ares temple. The Goddess had been lurking invisible in the temple when Joxer had made his speach. Now she picked up the head and grinned. "Disgusting! I like it! This is exactly what I was looking for to decorate my room."  
  
Wasting no time, Discord took the head up to her room on Mount Olympus. Placing it carefully on a tall stone pedestal, she moved a magical red light lamp near it. She placed the lamp in such a way that the red light fell onto the head. Stepping back to admire her handiwork, Discord grinned. "Perfect!"  
  
"I was beginning to get lonely." A big burley Warlord said as he came up behind Discord. The man had bulging muscles, a long mane of black hair in a ponytail and several scars on his face. Wearing only leather pants and boots, his wide chest heaved as he looked at the head. "Why the heck you bring that up here? I thought we were gonna have some fun?"  
  
"Be patient, Struddle!" Discord smiled as she ran a long black fingernail down his chest. "And that is my new decoration. I swiped it from my brother's temple."  
  
"Why would Apollo have a head in his temple?" Struddle asked, confused.  
  
"My other brother, you idiot! Ares, the God of War. Does that ring a bell?" Discord sighed. Struddle may be big and muscly, but brains he had not. But then, she didn't bring him up here for his brains. It had taken her several days to find a replacement for the lover Ares had killed after the Porkulese incident, not counting the time she had been a chicken. She was still angry at her brother, so she had started swiping the best donations off his altar. Ares always got all the good stuff, like that disgusting head! "Now that I got my room decorated, let's get down to business!"  
  
"Thought you'd never ask." Struddle bent his head and caught Discord in a fierce kiss as he wrapped his big arms around her. Struddle was growling in his throat like an animal when a shadow passed over them. Sensing something wrong, Struddle lifted his head from Discord's neck just in time to see a sword coming at him. He spent the last few seconds of his life staring dumbfounded at the quickly descending blade. A moment later he slumped in Discord's arms, dead.  
  
"What?" Discord let Struddle's body drop to the ground. Turning, she expected to see her brother's angry gaze. Her mouth formed an O as her dark eyes fell on the masked head.  
  
Except it had a complete body now!  
  
"How dare you kill him! I wasn't finished with him yet!" Discord complained angrily as she kicked the masked man in his leg. "Now if you know what's good for you, you'll listen to me. I'm the Goddess Discord. How did you get a body?"  
  
The masked man just stared at her, the bloody sword in his hand.  
  
"Well, it's obvious you have some unexpected talents. I could use a person like you. Go find Hercules and kill him! Him and his little buddy!" Discord laughed. The donation she had stole from her brother was more powerful then she ever dreamed! This man, whoever he was, was like the hydra in reverse. Hydras grew new heads, this man had grown an entire new body! There was no way Hercules could stop this guy! Discord stopped laughing when she realized he was still standing there. "Are you deaf as well as dumb? I said go kill Hercules!"  
  
The sword whipped out as he slashed at her. The blade went through her body.  
  
"You idiot!" Discord cried, her eyes flashing red. "I said Hercules, not me!"  
  
The sword flashed through her body a second time.  
  
"OK, you made me MAD!" Red beams of energy shot out of Discord's eyes, slamming into his chest. The power of the twin beams knocked him right off his feet and he flew through the air. Like magic, the door opened and he crash-landed in the hallway. Discord dashed to the door and closed it, locking it with a magic spell.  
  
"And stay out!"  
  
****  
  
Unconcerned, the masked man picked himself up off the floor. Glancing up and down the empty hall, he started walking. Soon he saw a blonde woman wearing pink.  
  
"Eeewwww! Who are you?" Aphrodite asked, a sour expression on her pretty face. "Didn't you never hear of soap? Or deodorant? How about cologne? Because you really smell ..... it is like the most awful stench I ever smelled!"  
  
Silence.  
  
"Well, it's true!" Aphrodite continued. The Goddess of Love eyed the bloody sword in his hand. She noticed the fresh trail of blood behind him, going down the hallway. "You are just so GROSS!"  
  
SWISH went the sword as it sliced through Aphrodite's chest.  
  
"Oooohhhhh, you RUINED my DRESS!" Aphrodite wailed, big tears in her blue eyes. "And I just bought it only a hundred years ago, too!"  
  
SWOOSH went the sword, this time aiming at her legs.  
  
"You got BLOOD on it, too!" Aphrodite cried, her hands on either side of her face. "How can anyone be so cruel?"  
  
With a sparkle of pink, Aphrodite popped out.  
  
He stood there a moment, confused by her sudden disappearance. Then he continued down the hallway.  
  
****  
  
"Hercules! You have to help me!" Aphrodite wailed as she popped in right in front of her startled brother. "Some ugly man in a mask is up on Mount Olympus. He tried to kill me! And look what he did to my dress!"  
  
"Hey!" Iolaus jumped up. "That sounds like the guy we're looking for! He wore a mask in those moving pictures Hades showed us!"  
  
"Yeah, I agree." Hercules wrapped a comforting arm around his sister. "You'll be OK, Aphrodite. The important thing is he didn't harm you. Just show us where he is and I'll take care of him for you. And then you can go dress shopping. How does that sound?"  
  
"Shopping?" Dite's eyes lit up and a faint smile graced her lips. "I did want to visit that new store out on Jupiter....they had that circular out a few years ago...."  
  
"Umm... whatever." Hercules glanced at his best friend and shrugged. He had no idea what a circular was or about Jupiter, but Dite was feeling better. And that made him happy. "That sounds great. So just show us where you saw the big baddie."  
  
"I'm coming, too!" Iolaus quickly added.  
  
Soon the three were up on Mount Olympus and Aphrodite pointed to the blood trail going down the hallway. Running, Hercules followed the trail, Iolaus hot on his heels. They rounded a corner and skidded to a halt. Hercules couldn't help but laugh.  
  
Apollo was crouched behind a giant vase as ... Hercules checked the name on the scroll ... Jason Voorhees swung the sword at him. Apollo ducked lower and the blade whizzed by over his head.  
  
"He can't hurt you, Apollo. Now get out of there." Hercules called.  
  
"Gladly." Apollo popped out just as the vase was smashed.  
  
With his bare hands.  
  
"Whoa. That guy is strong!" Iolaus commented as he hopped from foot to foot, ready for action. "He might be stronger than you, Herc. So what's the plan? How we gonna take him?"  
  
Hercules glanced through an open doorway. "I got the perfect plan."  
  
Voorhees turned and saw Hercules. Slowly he started to walk towards the big Demigod. Hercules darted through the open doorway. The room he was now in had hundreds of moving images on the walls. The images showed anyone who had ever lived, both in the past and the present. A waist high railing near the other end of the room was the only protection from a deep, bottomless pit. Hercules knew the pit went straight down to Tartarus. Hercules thought of the room as Zeus' Spy Room, for his father liked to spy on mortals all day.  
  
"Hey! Over here!" Hercules shouted. He was rewarded when the slow, zombie like Voorhees moved in his direction. The guy didn't have a fast move in his body, except for maybe his arms. Hercules planned on using his lack of speed as an advantage. Voorhees was now closer and Hercules backed up against the railing. He wanted to get him as close to the edge as he could. He definitely didn't want to get into a strength versus strength struggle with him!  
  
When Voorhees came close enough, Hercules suddenly flew up into the air. He flipped over the undead creature's head and landed behind him. Voorhees slowly turned around. The last thing he saw was Hercules' big fist ramming itself into his ugly mask. The God like strength picked Voorhees right off his feet and sent him tumbling over the edge. There was nothing to cling to and he fell all the way to Tartarus.  
  
Hercules tossed the scroll after him, then wiped his hands off.  
  
"All in a day's work." He smiled at Iolaus.  
  
"Aahh, I didn't even get in a punch!" Iolaus complained to his best buddy as they left Zeus' Spy Room.  
  
"You can help with the next one." Hercules said as he slapped Iolaus on the back. "I think this guy was out of your league."  
  
"Out of my league? He was dimwitted!" Iolaus protested loudly. "Why, he just stood there and let you punch his lights out!"  
  
"Say, how do we get out of here?" Hercules asked as he glanced up and down the long, empty hallway.  
  
"I don't know." Iolaus admitted. "Dite went shopping, remember?"  
  
"YOU! What are you doing up here?" Ares asked, scowling at his half- brother.  
  
"Uh-oh. You can help with this one." Herc reminded Iolaus.  
  
"Gee. Thanks a lot!" 


End file.
